SARBANANDA

I was born in a joint and solvent Hindu Bengali family on 19.10.1957.My father(1923-2010) was big and famous lawyer, my mother(1933-2008) was from a conservative middle class family.  I am fourth among our three sisters and two brothers . I am a small construction businessperson and investor,my nickname is BUBU. I play chess because I love the game,but  I am not a master of it  and have no basic idea or training,so cannot play well. But Chess give me immense joy.Playing live chess is like medicine to me. I am married(1988) and have two children  first daughter KOYEL(1989),second son SOURAV (1996). I am a graduate of commerce(pass coure) from CU in 1977,Among my family I am the less educated, though I was ordinary student and not given priority to education than playing and neglected it but my children are very good in education. They always get first class. I love my wife because it is my duty but honestly I could not give her my mind and heart.she is a beautiful lady but little adamant, and she does every thing for me and my family.My wife is an ideal housewife and I have no grievances against her.  Next part is my personal however I write it because it will help thusands of boys and young man. Tragedy of my life is,that my  first,last and only lover left me for a better established educated 43y old man and went to Canada with him and marry for become rich in 1984.  I am felling depression in life. My love started with that girl 1977. However she left me 1984,before the love started my only aim was to be a cricketer.  I keeps distance from girls, only playing grounds were my favorite places. She first approach me and I told her everything about me and my aim of life but she almost forced me for love,she was innocent looking sweet girl ,student of class eleven,her family approve the affair after they noticed it.Her aunt a co actress is boss and mentor of her family,their home is also in Belghoria. In addition, I was absolutely sure about our marriage and I left playing gradually and giving time to her, and I also started my first business a dealership of electrode for personal income. when I am addicted and mentally became a slave to her and wanted to marry  then  she took some time from me,but I could not find her for some days anywhere. I went to her home, to meet her mother.She told me that her daughter  rejected me. The reason that I was not enough established rich man and ordinary graduate.Her aunt said they were waiting for this day and happy because,their daughter realized that money is more important than love  and rich husband's age and looks does not matter, she went to Canada with him.Hearing this I lost control of my mind and balance. Next two years I was almost mad. I became living dead body, what a mental pain and agony I had suffered I cannot explain.Being rejected and dejected I want to commit suicide to get rid of my unbearable life, but for God's grace, my parent's love and help of psychiatrist I could not do that.I can not forget and forgive her until my death. She has been my first and last woman whom I loved by real heart, hence my parents had arranged my marriage 1988.I had to do that for them. In my teen age I wanted to be a sportsman as a cricketer but that unfaithful greedy and hungry woman  has made me a depressed person.She took my golden ages of life,my game and happiness.Now I have my  family,house,car, motor bike and almost everything but not satisfaction of mind. I am always felling myself a defeated man with inferiority complex and missing something in life and also emotional. A person of weak mental power and lazy,it is very painful life. I want to say and pray all young man not to engage in love, If you have a strong, cruel, and stone made and non emotional heart or only for enjoy sex and fun,and should have mental strenght then  do it. Otherwise your rest life would be an unhappy life.Do not give your life and mind's key to them. My personal experience and opinion is that Almost 80% woman wanted to marry with rich and establish man.women's love is a fashion and enjoyment for them,they take love as a game or fun, they are glitter not gold.Marriage is a way to make career for them, money is more precious then mind to them in time of marriage. Please don't think that I am an anti woman, there are so many women those have beautiful mind and heart, they really love their lover,and can sacrifice all for love. However you should be enough lucky to find them, You can't guess anybody from out looking. So love people without any expectation from them,  this is the only way of happiness. Otherwise face little joy and endless sorrow. Almost three decades has passed  but still I cannot understand why she came to me and  I accepted her approach.Did she really love me from her heart even for some years or she just used me for her enjoyment? why I cannot came out from her memory, is it a mental deceases or what? Is failure love makes man to a weak emotional person? Don't spoil you life like me but enjoy it.Thanking all of you.